Day Four.
Sweet baby, yesterday was your birthday. I didn't get to be with you as much as I would have liked but today was going to be different. I am able to get up and move around on my own now and no one is keeping me away from you. At 7am I headed downstairs to the NICU, and when I arrived a nurse greeted me at the entrance and said words I still hear in my nightmares:
Three hours later and I was still waiting. I called down to the NICU in a fury. "What is going on?" I demanded to know. The nurse was very apologetic, "I'm sorry" she told me. "The doctor has been done for quite some time. I forgot to tell you," the nurse explained. For HOURS I sat in my room in fear. I sat in my room and listened to the parents with their healthy babies in the rooms next to me. I listened to their babies healthy cries while I cried for my baby. I hung up the phone and rushed to be by your side. When I finally got to see you all my fears melted away, you were just so beautiful. There was no doubt in my mind you would be just fine. I sat and held your hands for hours. I only took a short break when your brothers came to the hospital to visit me. The boys were upset and wanted their mommy. They wanted to see you too and couldn't understand why they were not allowed.
Day Six.
Today started out great, but didn't stay that way. First thing this morning we found out that the ultrasound on your brain came out great! Your brain was very healthy and no issues were found. However, you were still having several episodes of Apnea so the doctor ordered an ultrasound of your heart. It would be several days before we got the results. You still had the IV in your belly button so I wasn't allowed to hold you. I wanted you to know that I was there so I would reach my hand inside your incubator and hold on to your tiny little hand. I would softly sing you lullabies and talk to you about your family and your brothers.
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Day Seven.
Today was by far the hardest day. Today I was being discharged from the hospital without you. I didn't want to go home. I knew I needed to go home, but I didn't know how I was getting in the car without you. I didn't think I could physically do it. Your Daddy said he would be at the hospital around noon, but that he wanted to spend time with you first. So, I woke up at 5am and headed down to the NICU until your Daddy arrived at noon. When Daddy arrived he spent time with you while I headed back to my room to pack my stuff. When I was finished packing, I was back at your side once again. I was excited to rush back because the nurse said it would be okay to hold you before I left. The nurse handed you to me and it took everything in me to hold back the tears. You were so tiny, now weighing in at a mere three pounds. I held you for over an hour when "IT" happened. The first Bradychardia episode I would witness. I was looking at you when all of a sudden your face looked very grey. Then I heard the alarms and the next thing I know the nurse is ripping you from my arms and patting your back aggressively. I was in such shock, I couldn't form a word to ask what was going on. I just remember Daddy holding my hand, staring at the scene in disbelief. Within seconds, although it felt like hours, you were fine and sleeping in your incubator. The nurse explained that while the episodes appear scary they are not life threatening. An hour later a nurse was wheeling me out to my car. I watched other moms being wheeled to their car with their new babies and all I can remember is how jealous I felt. I got in the car and Daddy started the journey home. I was fine and then your Daddy said, "I know you want to cry, it's ok." That's when I lost it, and I'm not sure when or if I ever stopped crying.
A Gift from God
At first glance you were so small
I hardly saw a baby at all,
with tubes and wires
a frightening sight
but you were in for a big fight.
Only three pounds, just skin and bones,
Your body so small
with problems so big,
but you fought hard and continued to grow.
So many fears
So many tears
You are home now
and growing so big.
I love you dear,
more than words can say.
A miracle baby
A gift from God.
You showed the world
You showed us all.
~Written By Diaane: Author of Autumn's Birth
Day Ten.
Beautiful Girl, you are one week old today! Your first week was an emotional roller coaster, but your doing great and getting better daily. The nurses were going to start you on a bottle today but your jaundice levels came back high so you needed to lay under the lights for twenty-four hours. The nurses explained that starting the bottle on the same day would be too stressful.
Day Twelve.
Today was a big day for you! They took you off of the CPAP and put you back on the nasal cannula. They are slowly going to wean you off the nasal cannula at this point too! The biggest news of all is we tried to give you your first bottle today.. At first you wanted no part of the bottle. You had no idea what to do with it. After quite some time you put the bottle in your mouth but you didn't quite have the sucking reflex down yet. Even though your first attempt at eating didn't go well, I felt like this was a turning point for your recovery. You see in order to leave the NICU you have to be able to finish five bottles in a day and be Bradychardia free for twenty-four hours.
Days Thirteen-Sixteen.
Day Seventeen.
Sweet, beautiful, girl, today you are two weeks old! You have really come such a long way in these last two weeks. You are still having the Bradychardia episodes but you're really coming along with the feedings. You are up to three bottles a day! Yesterday was a great day and when I came to see you today I was very optimistic about adding the third bottle. It seemed like there was finally an end in sight! I always came for my visits when it was time for your feedings. Today, when I came in for your second bottle the nurse said, "I'm sorry but we have to move Bella back to one bottle a day." I felt my blood pressure rise, and I felt like once again I was outside of my body looking in. The nurse said you had a bad night with back to back Bradychardia episodes and throwing up. Just then, as we were talking about your progress, you had another bradychardia episode. I told the nurse I would be right back and ran to the family care room. I felt like I was having a panic attack. When I cam back the nurse gave me a look, like she understood. The nurse said to me, "I promise your daughter won't have Apnea episodes on her wedding day." That's when she came over, hugged me, and told me it was okay to cry. I don't think I ever cried so hard in my life and the whole time the nurse hugged me and told me it would be okay. I'll never forget this day or this nurse. She was a very special person.
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
It happened so fast, the fear was consuming
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
Born too early, each breathe was a struggle
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
Wires and Tubes, all bigger then you
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
Even on your toughest days I could still see your beautiful spirit
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
Only three pounds, so precious and fragile
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
You were so brave and strong, I wish I could say the same
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
Our hearts ached for four long weeks and one day
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
We all prayed for your survival, we already loved you so much
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
Each day you did better, you were eager to please
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
We celebrated each little burp and every wee sneeze
Baby so small, eyes so BIG
Then the day came, it was time to go home, even the doctors and nurses rejoiced!
Baby so smalll, eyes so BIG
Your are our miracle, a special gift from God.
~Baby so small, eyes so big.
Day Thirty-One.
My sweet princess, you are four weeks old today!!! Today is very exciting because you may be going home tomorrow, You have had an amazing week. We were hoping you would go home before the weekend, but you had a bradychardia. You must be bradychardia free for twenty-four hours. Today the doctor spoke to me during one of my many visits and said how pleased she is with your progress. As long as you remain bradychardia free you will finally go home to meet your brothers and extended family.